Brain-emptying Hodge-Podge

So, ya....my last good blog post was over a month ago and even that one was half-assed. The truth is, I have let the blog slip to allow time for other things. For one, about 3 weeks ago, I decided I was not going to spend another dollar on disposable diapers. YIKES! I was almost out! So, I sat at my sewing machine (which I just got for Christmas and had barely used) and started making my own fitted cloth diapers by trial and error! The pressure was on to get this kid into cloth bc the sposies were dwindling. Since that day, I have spent every spare moment sewing diapers and covers. I got brave and tried out zippers and I couldn't stop sewing! My FB friends can attest to the shear number of projects I have undertaken recently! Such as:

I still have to make more diapers (and yes, I did order..*gasp*....a half dozen prefolds for good measure) but Ronan is in cloth almost full-time now. He's a very heavy wetter at night, so he wears sposies to bed, but we're still on that same pack that was almost gone 3 weeks ago! In my quest to CD my baby's bottom, my house has suffered. Therefore, my blog has fallen by the wayside while I catch up. I will be back more often now, I think.....until we plant the garden!!! But for now, I am going to empty my brain of all the post ideas that have been slamming into each other up there and allow my brain to function correctly.


-Sometimes I hit the "home" button on my iPad and before I put it to sleep, I stare for a moment at the picture of our family.....together. (and sometimes I tear up a little bit)

-Sometimes I let Alistair stay up late just because I want to snuggle him a little longer!

-You can call it loneliness, nursing appetite or just a lack of self-control, but I purposely avoid the cookie aisle at the grocery store because I know I'll spend a fortune.

-It's a good thing I'm not on a diet because there is no way I could add up all the carbs I have consumed this week.

-I LOVE to wear my baby and he LOVES to be worn! (I could seriously write a book about this!)

(HERE is a link that explains why I bought an ErgoBaby

beside the fact that I have always loved my mei tai)

-I LOVE breastfeeding! I can't even explain it. It's not just giving my boys the BEST nutrition to get them started in life, it's more than that. It's having them close to me, wearing them, tending to their needs quickly to ensure their emotional needs are met, it's the pride I feel that no man or factory is able to produce what my body KNOWS my baby needs or how my ego gets a boost when the doctor smiles and says "good job, Mom!" It is knowing that they are secure, well-adjusted kids! It is SO many things......hmmmm...another book? ;)

Quick FAQ with LLL for those who are curious

-Parenting and Breastfeeding have changed my life! I understand so much more about humans, what we do naturally and what our society has pushed on us as "accepted."

-I often cry as I watch these boys, day in and day out, learn, discover, fall, cry, get up, try again, smile and GROW! I am so SO blessed that I have been able to be with them everyday of their lives!!!

-I am now deeply in LOVE with sewing! (post on this coming soon)

-I love our little "homestead" and am so enlightened as we learn and discover new ways to become more self-sustaining. (Whether we can do it all or not, simply having the knowledge is empowering!)

-I fall deeper in love with my husband everyday. I am so GRATEFUL for him and all that he has sacrificed over the last 7 1/2 years to ensure that we have a comfortable home, reliable vehicles and full bellies! I miss him so so much, but in spite of current circumstances, the love bank is full....we need another account to rollover the excess......my cup runneth over.......ok, enough, now my eyes runneth over!

HAPPY WEEKEND, EVERYONE!!!

Sorry for my absence

I have taken a little blogging break to focus on better time management and organization.....it also doesn't help that I took up sewing and am on a mission to make cloth diapers for Ronan.

LOTS to catch up on! I promise to post by the weekend!

Thanks for checking in!



- Posted from my iPad

Charred

Have you ever left a grilled cheese sandwich on just a little too long? Didn't get the garlic bread out of the oven right when the timer went off? How about toasting Pop Tarts on the bagel setting?

Well, tonight I almost ruined dinner. And, as I was scraping the black dust off of Alistair's sandwich with a butter knife (hoping to save our dinner), it dawned on me: I have become the grilled cheese sandwich. Not only do I eat one for dinner at least once a week, but I am burning as well.

As each week progresses, I get more and more tired. I need more and more coffee. I feel more and more ALONE. My bottom layer starts to burn and, by Friday, I begin to char. You wouldn't know if it weren't for the smoky haze filling the kitchen.

But, then......Friday night....Noah arrives, turns off the burner and by just BEING here, he scrapes off some of the blackened edges and I can be salvaged.

We get to be a family for 2 whole days and I pretend to be ok, but the process begins again the next week and, eventually, the edges will be crunchy, so we'll have to cut off the crust. And if we can't scrape off all the black, then we'll just add ketchup to mask the flavor. But, at some point, we would have scraped off so much black that there isn't enough left to be considered a satisfying meal.

This is how I feel most days.

I am not whole.

I am burned and broken.

I am raw and melted.

My outer layers have burned away.

There isn't much left of me.



- Posted from my iPad

No, You Don't Need a Head!

I always see these photos, They're everywhere. Anyone who has a photography blog has one. "The feet only shot." You know what I'm talking about. You've seen them, too. Courtney recently wrote a post about them HERE. Up until the past few weeks, I've wondered what the deal was with those. I mean, I bought my camera to take pictures of my kids; To remember how the were, not what shoes they wore. When I actually worded it like that, I FINALLY realized what the big deal is!

I was over come with emotion.

The same one that drove me to take this with my iPhone over a year ago:

Jake, Sadie and Alistair
3 small pairs of shoes. My 3 biggest reason to get out of bed!

The same emotion that drove me to tears when I was organizing Alistair's old clothes and shoes to be available for Ronan.

The flood of memories. Who bought what outfits for him. How much I loved the baby Robeez shoes with the soccer balls on them because they prevented him from pulling his socks off. How those low-top "Chucks" were his 1st walking shoes. How much I LOVE (and his daddy HATES) those tiny green Crocs.

Then, the flood of tears.....He will never wear these shoes again. He will NEVER be that little again. Those days are gone. He's not a baby anymore. Where did the time go? Did I enjoy it enough while it was here?....

But almost immediately, I felt a calm come over me.

God has given me a precious gift. TWO precious gifts. And part of the gift is the change. The grow, they learn, they become their own people and in the process, I grow, I learn, I help lead them on their path as people.

I LOVE those little shoes. I LOVE the boys who wore (and will wear) them. I LOVE these blessings and this life.

So, when I was having some calm time in the yard yesterday and Alistair ran out to join me wearing his fireman boots. I couldn't help but smile and I couldn't help but take this photo.

Now, this day will be a memory attached to these boots.


I recently read this post by Jess at Not You Average Mommy and she put into words what I have been feeling:

"Everyday is profound. Everyday is a gift. Every little shoe that comes in your house is a treasure from God. 

Somehow these meager words and descriptions only scratch the surface of what this little shoe caused me to feel. It was as if the miracle of that first moment when they were born happened all over again, only in my kitchen, because of a shoe."

Here are a few more shots from our walk around the yard:

Such a beautiful day!

Ralphy and Frank!

Our Japanese Maple

I walked past this bush at just the right moment!

I'm in a Table Cloth Phase

My mind, my heart and my home change with the seasons.

Like many people, when it's 90 degrees out, I can't wait for sweaters and hot cocoa. Then, when we're in the throws of snow, I dream about shorts and sand.

For some, spring is for cleaning.  They open the windows, vacuum the sills (yes, I know someone who does this), dust the knick knacks and deep clean the carpets. In the spring, I plant the garden and let the house go. It becomes a "farm house." The floors barely get swept, let alone mopped, and I tell guests to please leave their shoes ON! (For fear they will stain their socks). The dogs (and children) run wild, there are campfires (even on weeknights), and we stay up late canning pickles!

But, in the fall, as it begins to get cooler, I switch modes. The laundry MUST get done because there's twice as much, the floors get mopped because the dirt is now mud, we pull out hoodies and jeans and even the table dresses up a little bit. As the holidays approach, I attempt to make my decor (or lack thereof) look a bit more "grown-up." So, I de-clutter my counters, light candles and put the table cloth on the table. Part of this "change of seasons" also includes pulling out the stock pot and roasting pan which are stashed away during the warm weather. They become permanent fixtures on the counter and stove ready to roast turkeys and make soup. I begin to cook (and bake) a lot. What else is there to do when you're trapped inside by the cold?

I wouldn't want the table getting cold!

The BEST shortcut apple dumplings EVER!

Swiss Miss was purchased at Costco and the fridge is stocked with
Extra Creamy Redi-Whip!

My well-loved, hand-me-down roasting pan takes its
position on the counter!

The stock pot is ready to boil down some chicken!

My line-up!
(The spices that never get put away)
S&P, of course. (Note: That's kosher salt, the only kind to cook with).
HUNGARIAN Paprika, because, well, I'm Hungarian. Old Bay
because I live in Southern Maryland.
And Nature Seasoning because I AM my father's daughter!

Just plain tired

Hello, my name is Patricia and I'm a coffeeholic......

I have a favorite brew, a favorite method of brewing and, of course, a favorite mug!

Yes, it's a Christmas mug and, YES, I use it all year long!

I'm not going to lie. I like coffee. I need coffee. I LIVE for coffee. 

Ok, it's not really that bad, but it has gotten worse. In fact, I'm struggling to control it these days. I feel like I am offending my coffee by saying this, but I DON'T REALLY ENJOY IT  SO MUCH ANYMORE. At some point it became a necessity instead of a luxury and it has damaged our relationship.

So, in order to restore my love affair withe that warm morning beverage, from this moment on, I vow to eat better, sleep better, and keep my self active.

I won't sweat the small stuff.

I will be OK with leaving somethings undone.

(As if I have a choice anyhow)

I will STOP running myself into the ground.....

....I will LOVE my coffee again!

For the good of all mankind!

Cuddling up and getting ready for bedtime!

So sweet!

The "A-word"

I started writing this post several months ago, but never published it because I was very upset at the time and just didn't want to post anything when I was that emotional.

There are several mean-spirited, mis-worded and just plain dumb things that people say to you when you're pregnant (or any time along the journey of parenthood, for that matter) that just make you want to punch them in the face. Among them is one that has come up a lot over the past year and no matter how it's said, it's still the same and it still hurts. The word "accident" had come up in conversation with friends a few times while I was pregnant and I have had to put my foot down and say that I don't like that kind of language when referring to a baby!

We may not have "planned" Ronan, but GOD did and He does NOT make mistakes. HE does not make "accidents!" I am GRATEFUL beyond words every single day for this new little life he has given us! I am truly honored that He would find us worthy to bring up a child for Him. Ronan was greatly loved from the moment we saw 2 lines on the stick. Ronan is a blessing in it's purest form. EVERY BABY IS! From the moment of conception, it is a life that God created. Period.

So, when someone announces a pregnancy, don't ask them if it was "planned." Don't ask them if it is "wanted." Withhold your curiosity (and your tongue), be happy for them and don't say anything stupid. You may think it's just a harmless question, but questioning the "validity" of someone's child is HURTFUL. EVERYTIME!

- Posted from my iPad

Not a Supermom.....

I pretend to be tough.....but I'm not.

I pretend to have it all together......but I don't.

I try to be strong.....but I can't.

I keep bending.....but I won't break.

What's important is......I try.

I'm not super.....I'm just a mom....trying to be the best "me" for my kids.

I look at my boys and cry. I cry because they make me happy, but I cry because I'm sad for what they're missing. This isn't how a family lives.

The current state of my house is representative of how I feel right now and I won't let anyone in the door. I need this crazy tangled mess of me to straighten out again. I can't breathe!